i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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