i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
