I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Who died my cat blue again?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
