Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
