Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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