if you like me you must not know who I am
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
