You smell like stripper and shame
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
