I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did i walk over a car last night?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
