how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
