i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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