Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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