This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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