Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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