I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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