I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
