Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
