She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
