I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
