Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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