Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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