so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
