it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
