I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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