found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
