would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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