Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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