i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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