Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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