It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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