god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
