If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
