Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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