gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
