That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
