And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
