Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
