I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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