I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
