Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
