Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
