barbara walters just said penis...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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