I am spending my child support on dildos
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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