I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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