I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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