I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
