she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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