Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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