drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
