Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
