$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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